Dearest Boys

I feel like the girl in this picture.
But less happy about it.

Dear Boy,

If you put your tongue down my throat without my permission ever again, you will unfortunately miss out on the joys of having children. Stop calling me and texting me pleading for me to call or come over. Be a man. I already have an emotionally needy roommate; I don't want an emotionally needy girl for a boyfriend.

I see right through your game. I see you're hiding me from the people you know. Is it because you're ashamed of me, is it because I'm not the only one, or is it because you lied about your life? I'm still waiting to see your amazing, yet somehow invisible, car. You lied about your job too, and that blatant lie I was sure to see through just tells me you think I'm stupid. I'm nothing more than a pretty little empty-headed toy to you, but you're the one being played because you seem to so desperately need me. I'm fine without you and actually prefer it that way, so I think the joke is on you "babe." I'm pulling the strings now.

Dear Boy,

It is my understanding that you wish to be my boyfriend, but don't put forth any effort to see me. You have never called, and when I say never, I mean never ever in the entire time I've known you. Besides using empty and emotionless affection such as calling me by pet names and saying I'm cute, you've only ever said anything of real meaning when you were drunk. I haven't seen you in over a week. I'm sorry, but in my opinion freshly in love boyfriends and girlfriends talk more than once every couple of weeks. I think a ten minute call here or there couldn't hurt, especially seeing as you spend much more time than that on dating sites doing who knows what.

I feel like a sex doll to you. So long as you take me out to dinner once a month or so, you get all the affection and attention you crave. It's like having a prostitute, but without paying in cash. Aren't you just the luckiest guy around. Have you been so hard to talk to lately because you're screwing around? Are you having some unwholesome fun with all your guy pals, so you only need me when you crave the softness of a woman? With as enigmatic and unattainable as you try to seem, its hard to trust you. Your bisexuality just has to double my mistrust. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. You're hedonistic enough to try anything when there isn't a girl around, right?

We were so comfortable so quickly because you were a fantastic hybrid of my three best friends ever. I felt like I already knew you. Unfortunately, you've taken advantage of that comfort and of my passion toward you. You and I both know that I am playing with fire when it comes to you, and I don't think you're worth the burns anymore.

Dear Boy,

Get off your ass and work. I'm helping you pay off your debt. I'm helping you with school. I'm helping you with just about everything, but you can't be bothered to do so much as hold my hand. Your video games consume you whenever you aren't sleeping, which you seem to do for about twenty hours per day. You hold me back and suck up all my money, but you refuse to give me any basic attention. You scream at me so often that everyone is scared of you. You've become such an angry baby. Instead of sitting around and rotting while you let the world get you down, be a man and stand back up. Keep moving forward and I'd like to see your problems so much as try and catch up with you.

You're gaining weight and losing your hygiene. You're losing your life, and you let it happen. You don't understand my depression and you constantly criticize me when you are exactly the same. I fulfill my needs elsewhere, since you refuse to, which you hate me for and don't understand even while you're staring at a two girls on a screen and being secretive and deceitful.

If you want me, take me. I'm here and I'm better than any of your pixelated video game and porn girls. Man up, take me, and take care of me. Stop blaming me when the fault rests with you. You could turn your life around. You could put me in my place. Stop being such a whiny little girl. Your life is yours and I am waiting for you to take charge.

Dear Boy,

I am more important than your pet. I am more important than your games. I am more important than bitching about your family. I'm pretty damn spectacular, as a matter of fact, and should be treated as such. You seem like a more breakable version of what I'm running away from. Your apathy and indecision drive me up the wall. If you want me, be forceful about it. I half expect you to blow off seeing me to knit booties for your cat. Man up.

Dear Boys,

You all seem to have one major problem. You're not really boys at all. You're little girls. You are all little girlie girls who like begging for attention, being needy, whining, being indecisive, or ignoring me for something very lacking in masculinity (be it a kitty or sex with men). If I wanted to date a little girl, I'd go get psychological help. I need you all to grow a pair, but I have the feeling that is not going to happen. Good luck, and maybe you'll find a nice gay man looking for a girlie little bitch. As for me, I need a real man. 2010, here I come.