This Whole "Alone" Thing

Being alone like this is so terrifying because I finally have to face myself and my issues. I have to deal with it all, and I need to do it quickly and efficiently if I want to survive.

I'm falling apart at the seams and all I have is myself. The girl who has always derived self worth from the affection, attention, approval, and happiness of her romantic attachments is off the market but alone and lonely. How deliciously and cruelly ironic.

I think, sometime this week, I will go out by myself and conquer my anxieties about being in public alone. I'm going to be spending a lot of time alone for the next year or two while I'm getting my life on track and waiting. Until things settle down, I have to face my biggest fear of spending time with myself.

I can't rely on anyone else anymore, so I have to be my own distraction, companion, and love.

Still So Close Yet So Far

The silences are unbearable. I clench my jaw too tight and bite my nails down farther than I should. Hours pass and I'm left to wait alone with only my paranoia to keep me company. What could be going on? A million questions flood my mind as I get suspicious, afraid, and then a sickeningly guilt overtakes me for every feeling anything but gratitude. When trust, security, stability, and every other reassurance is absent, I stand here running on blind hope and faith alone.

I know this will all fade away when I hear his voice. All of this anxiety will be gone for a while. Until then, I'll be tearing myself apart from the inside out.

The First Day

He's closer than ever before, preparing to be unfathomably far away. I can't breathe. I can't even catch my breath enough to cry. If this is day one, how will I ever make it?

New Resolutions for 2012

Here are my resolutions for 2012

1. Have the strength and determination to be a good girlfriend despite all obstacles, time, distance, and struggles
2. Create more
3. Become the person I've wanted to be
4. Earn my six of swords
5. Finish my novel
6. Get in shape
7. Stop biting my nails
8. Get my art in a gallery or my writing published somewhere again this year
9. Travel
10. Get Spooky trained well enough to pass the CGC test
11. Start having more fun for myself and stop letting people hold me back
12. Start film school
13. Be someone worth loving and coming home to

My 2010 Resolution Update

Here are my resolutions from 2010 and what I've done since.

1. Have a passionate kiss in the rain
2. Shake off some of my crappy friends
3. Get a car again
4. Make a short film
5. Try something completely new and out of my comfort zone
6. Go somewhere "haunted" and not be disappointed
7. Finish a screenplay
8. Eat healthier and reach my goal weight
9. Stop biting my nails
10. Have a poem or song written about me
11. Have an amazing night in Hollywood
12. Create more art
13. Have Little Razorblade or Modern Swinger sung to me
14. Get a Yorkie and name it Banshee, Phantom, or Goblin (An Eskie named Spooky counts)
15. Do a cute couple's costume thing for Halloween
16. See real snow falling
17. Visit somewhere new
18. Be fallen in love with
19. Do more social activities
20. Update my wardrobe and look
21. Start going to concerts again
22. Get a better job
23. Get a degree
24. Get a new body mod
25. Be happier, be more confident, and care less

Old Resolutions

This is an old list of resolutions I've been working on since I was 15. I last updated it when I was 19. Anything in red I've accomplished since then.


My to do list so far includes:

1. Get in to film school
2. Find true love, truth in love, or truly decide it doesn’t exist
3. Travel all over Europe
4. Create a large picture (a mural or something)
5. Have a perfect passionate kiss in the rain
6. Become the first female to win the Oscar for best director (Can't be done now since a cheater beat me to it!)
7. Build a film studio and leave it open to street art
8. Buy the house(s) of my dreams and film a horror movie in it
9. Meet people like me
10. Do something against my nature, or what others perceive to be "my nature"
11. Figure out the meaning of life (or at least my life)
12. Go somewhere I can see a lot of stars clearly (not planes I mistake for stars)
13. Stand out on a ship all Titanic style
14. Survive high school
15. Have less friends with asterisks
16. Calm down and break away from stress long enough to stop myself from becoming a total basketcase
17. Make a movie/documentary/video/short that I can be proud of and will touch people
18. Go somewhere "haunted" and not be disappointed
19. Go to a beach with clean-ish water and sea shells (not broken Legos, cigarettes, and styrofoam)
20. Re-enact the amazing scene in Pirates 3 where they are in dark water and the massive amount of stars reflects everywhere, so it looks like they are just floating in space (I got close enough to what I wanted with this)
21. Figure out some of the 23 flavors in Dr Pepper
22. Create and complete a comic or comic book
23. Hang out with a cool band
24. Shop in Harajuku, Japan
25. Go to Camden, London
26. Ride in a convertible at night with the top down
27. Make more money
28. Finish Anthropology
29. Learn to color and draw anime/manga style
30. Get this video camera
31. Become my own person
32. Finish my part in writing the screenplay
33. Go on tour with Nikki
34. Make this awesome movie idea a reality
35. Get a computer tablet to do my cartooning and anime
36. Have my own pet black kitty
37. Have a one-year anniversary
38. Be on the set of a movie, TV show, or commercial
39. Find out if marshmallows really expand without air (proof)
40. Learn to scream (hardcore/metal scream)
41. Become the pretty rave girl (or just go to a rave)
42. Beat Mikey at Guitar Hero (Haha! I wish!)
43. Get to go backstage at a concert
44. See the Birthday Massacre live
45. See Mindless Self Indulgence live
46. Get paid for doing something I love to do
47. Find out for certain what happened that made one person never speak to me again
48. Make an authentic Japanese dinner (or sushi)
49. Attempt ice skating (hopefully successfully)
50. Make a song
51. Get my name on IMDB.com
52. Stop biting my nails
53. Get my work posted somewhere major
54. Get someone to make a song with my name in it. Have YOU ever heard a song that mentions a Courtney?
55. Go zorbing (This is zorbing)
56. Learn to play bass well
57. Work at Art Supply Warehouse
58. Get a car again
59. Work the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland
60. Get an SLR camera
61. Attend Bats Day
62. Get an article published in a magazine
63. Make new friends because of who and/or how I am
64. Have an amazing night in Hollywood
65. Make it to year two
66. Go on a road trip
67. Get my AA
68. Get my website up and running
69. Have the perfect date
70. Find the perfect guy, just to prove he's out there
71. Learn to speak another language fluently
72. Have the guts to act without doubt
73. Meet Tim Burton
74. Let people see the real me
75. Outrun the storm clouds that follow me
76. Make someone else's life better
77. Have a picnic in a really unique place
78. Have a sleepover
79. Have Little Razorblade or Modern Swinger sung to me
80. MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Typical

Hands of devastating realization
Wrap tight around my neck
Don't you see that I can't breathe
Choking as my heart is breaking
A vast and empty void forming
In the soul that exists for him
As a truth I've come to swear by
Echoes loudly in my thoughts
People are't as unique as they hope
I am no different from the rest
Statistics and facts apply to me
I'm just another stupid girl
Thinking she can fight her fate
I've watched as the time away
Destroyed and changed my friends
I've seen what happens
Watched with my own two eyes
How can this be any different
It can't be and likely won't be
This will change the man I know
I'm forced to say goodbye for now
With promises he will come back
But the devastating truth is
It won't be him that returns
This is just another typical story
I'm just a typical hopeless girl
Happy for the short time we had
Mourning the imminent end
Powerless to stop it all