I'm the Only One

Today, I made it out in one piece. I barely skimmed by. I got an extension for rent, used my rent money to pay for school, got a new job, and crossed my fingers that everything would be okay. Now, I don't care. I'm nothing special. My landlady could replace me, my school can live without me and my measly tuition payment, my job can find another employee. It's not like I'm the only one.

Rejection passed out without doing anything he promised. He snores on now without so much as a goodnight. He will never understand what I feel or reciprocate. It's something I'm still trying to numb myself to. He'll wake up later and try to make amends, but apologies don't matter when the same mistakes are continuous. This wasn't the only one.

Jealousy is yelling at me for ruining her life. She's done with me; I'm just like everyone else. Everyone is upset with me for something or disappointing me in some way, and she is no exception. I long for the day when I can be her only one, but I know deep down that day will never come.

Pity says the same things they all say. Line after line is the same. I meet emotions with apathy and distance. I pull all the same tricks and it works as always. I am faking who I am for the attention, can't you see? You don't really love me. You think you do because of my facade. Don't worry, you weren't the only one.

Pride is lecturing me. He will not condone my emotions anymore. He will not be an enabler. I'm far too inexperienced. I'm far to naive. I can come back and talk to him when I grow up and find myself, something few people ever do. He can't stop grouping me with every other human he's encountered. He loves to start his advice with the words "Most people..." He spews his narcissistic and pseudo intellectual bullshit at me like he is so much more than me. I enjoy hurting him and letting him know he's not the only one.

I dance where no one can see me. The doors slide shut and suddenly I'm in a chamber void of windows and doors and anyone else to taint this moment. I twirl and spin like I used to. I sing out loud and leap through the air. I am a princess. My skirt swirls around my ankles. I am best at everything when I'm the only one.

I hold myself because no one else will. I cry because no one else sees, hears, or cares. I let the stress eat me up mentally and physically. Who knows what terrible effects you will have on me in the near future. Even I cannot foresee the damage you may do. I write this to calm my mind and know that no one will read it. Even if I show them and tell them this is about them, they will not care enough to read. This is who I am, but no one gives a damn. I hold on to every last dying word, but no one will glance at mine. These are thoughts bursting from me, being born into existence by my heart. You are their father, the one who has left us. My bastard words and I weep. I waste my time with people who only drag me down. Why? To fill this void? I eat them up like they are the only ones.

There is this horrid hole inside of me. I'm the only one who can fill it. This aching pain and dying tears are not the first and not the last. This depression will devour me entirely some day. This will break me down and bury me beneath the Earth. I will be alone as I always knew I would be. I'm the only one.