I was sitting in the bathroom with the lights off while Mikey was running errands. I thought about my friends, family, life, relationship...and I realized I don't have someone close who can make everything better. I don't have that best friend to calm me down...not in this world of texts and technology and boys and every man for himself.
So I spoke loudly enough for my voice to echo. The thoughts that came to me just couldn't stay quiet. I needed to say them out loud. I told myself everything I wish I had a best friend to tell me.
I told myself everything is really going to be okay this time. Your mom loves you, but she's one giant guilt trip that lures you in, and you need to step back. Moving home won't fix anything. Take a leap of faith and break away. You don't have anything to lose. Your friends have all abandoned you, but you can and will make new friends...maybe even a best friend (aside from Mikey of course). Your family won't stop being your family. You'll never lose them, even if you try. Maybe you're paranoid that your friends don't like you, but you know, they've far from proven you wrong. It's not that you're a problem, it's that they don't understand your problems and only care about their own. You have a whole lifetime to meet people who will appreciate you.
Which brings me to the next thing. Your age. Stop worrying about it. Yes, your friends may have Bachelor's degrees...scratch that...only a few even went to school much less finished it! You're ahead of the game. You managed to do all that you have done and work toward school, even if you are disappointed in your progress. You hold yourself up to really high standards. Stop that.
Your life doesn't follow the plans laid out for you, and some people may look down on you for that, but why should you care? You found love first before you finished school. You figured out everything you wanted and started working toward it alongside school. The point of getting through school in four years is for a career, but you don't even want that. You want to be your own boss in the long run, so why rush? You aren't forking over big bucks or getting student loans just yet, so why are you acting like there's a jungle cat chasing you? We are put through years of free schooling where you personally got bored, yet they want to shove you through the fun of college that you're paying for? They want to push you through as fast as they can to get you to settle on one thing and betray yourself for. Why can't you learn film and design and metalworking and creative writing and everything else you want to? You don't need to settle for being just one thing. You aren't just a girlfriend. You're not just a student. You're not just a twenty-one year old. Why let one possible career path confine you? Take all the time you want for school. The "real adult world" they are pushing you toward will be there in two years, four years, ten...It will be there whenever YOU are ready.
One size doesn't fit all. You've accomplished more in your few years than a lot of people have their whole lives. Maybe you worked out of order from the norm, but since when are you a super traditionalist? If nothing else, you have love. Yes, Mikey loves you. He's put up with your extreme tantrums this weekend, he came here to rescue you before he was ready himself, and he loves you more than anything. You do know that, even if you force yourself to question it. He's a big boy. He can decide what is best for him without you deciding he's better off without you. He has always wanted to sweep you off your feet and carry you off to his realm, so he can help you in a comfortable and familiar environment. You didn't ask for it, but it's being offered by him and his family. Like you or not (and I'm sure they do), at the bare minimum they will support you because they want Mikey to be happy.
Mikey. He made some mistakes, but he's been struggling just like you. He doesn't have your plans or dreams. He's more lost than you are and doesn't have the strength you have...the strength you needed to survive these past couple of decades. He isn't used to fighting and he hasn't needed to. He doesn't have the ability to overcome everything on his own and he is so down on himself. He feels like such a failure. He will get healthy and he will get better. He will find his way and come back to you. He will help you through your struggles as you need to help him, and even though you don't feel real and have no grasp of reality, you can't see any future without him. He is your last real memory...his jacket you wore to bed every night, the songs he sang you, the words he spoke to you, the promises he made.
So you aren't dating a tormented artist in the traditional sense. This is reality and he is definitely troubled and has lost his artistic spark. Not everything is as romanticized as it is in movies and books. Besides, do you really want all that drama? Really, the truth is, he is the most stable thing in your life and that sets your life off balance. You find yourself thinking about the broken rebel without a cause, but you've had that and hated it. Stability is what you need, even if it seems like boredom during weak points. Mikey is the only person you've been able to stick around with this long. That should speak volumes.
Just remember that everything can get better and life is not a race. With all you've done so far, you're only a fourth or so of the way to the finish line. No one gives a shit if you ran a marathon fast. It's just a damn impressive feat to finish it. No one cares how long a president was in office. It's all about his actions while on top, and hell, they don't even let someone become president until they are much older than you. You didn't pick any age dependent passions like ballet or modeling, so stop acting like it.
If a book is 5000 pages or 5, it's the plot that really matters. If you sky dive, no one cares who hits the ground first. You're both awesome. The people who love you will still be here and the people who leave you aren't worth the tears. There is always hope and things will get better. One day, you'll look back and miss this angst. Maybe not.
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