Day 30

My first day of unemployment and as a college graduate. I realized I forgot to apply for two degrees. Well, I didn't forget. My teacher figured it's a beginner course so none of us could possibly be graduating. Ug. At least I have my AA and my other degree. It's so nice to have time to relax.

Last day of this month. I got my refill. I can use my iPod, phone, or computer to order, then they text me when it's ready. I'm trying to play that part of the process down a bit. The more nonchalant this can all be...the better. I hate feeling like I am dependent. Even when I do lean on someone or something, I always have my own emergency exit. I don't know. One month down and I don't know how many are left to go.

Oh, and a pleasant recording called me today. It was an automated thing from me insurance company calling me to let me know that everything will be okay and they are so happy I've made the decision to help myself and that it's a process, but I'll make it through. It told me my mental health is just as important as my physical health. I teared up, but I don't know if it was because that recorded voice was saying all the things I wish someone else would or if I just felt like a freak show. It almost felt like being in elementary school and asking a friend to help cover when you accidentally wet yourself, just to have the popular girl at school call you out in front of everyone about it. Exploited isn't the right word. It was too peppy to be that. It was like feeling like shit and having some optimistic friend of your mother's comfort you and pity you over something you don't even want to admit yourself. I know what is going on, but my struggles with reality are allowing me to move forward without accepting anything. I can work and advance without coming to terms with awful truths. I can cry without ever really accepting why. Then some strange machine decides to call me and make me face this all and make me face the fact that I'm surrounded and bound to people who will never know me as well as a strange voice recording.