This Week is AWFUL

Sunday, Mikey decided to get all crazy. When I lectured him about keep the room clean for the puppy and out of respect to his parents, he snapped. He dumped me and took my ring. He told me we fight too much and it's toxic and I don't make him happy anymore. He said I'm not worth it anymore and the bad outweighs the good. This is the first fight we've had in months, and usually it's because I overreact and my mental issues blow up tiny problems into fights. I'm trying to stop that, but this fight didn't help.

Monday, I felt like crappy. Monday night, the fight happened all over again. I stayed up most of the night crying.

Tuesday, he compared the idea of marrying me to death. It finally came out that without his sleep apnea machine, he's been feel awful and getting depressed. He's switched roles and is doing the full time job and other responsibility shuffle I went through. He's seeing what he put me through and feels he doesn't deserve me. He feels like he's in a corner because responsibilities don't give you much of a choice. Breaking up with me is the only choice he does have, but the idea of marriage some day is terrifying him. His dad talked to him and verbally slapped him upside the head for being a jerk to me. Marriage is far off, so don't even think about it. I decided to let him keep the ring. I just won't bring it up. I was worth moving and changing his whole life. He was worth the move, too. My tattoo is even a permanent reminder of what he means to me and how he's helped me through my mental struggles. If I have to do all the committing and he keeps running, I won't be able to handle this anymore. As his dad said, "Courtney is depressed. Do you think it helps her any when YOU'RE the irrational one?" We work it out, but now I have doubts.

Wednesday was a client meeting. I realized if I wasn't so terrified of people, meetings, and phone calls, my business would be huge by now. I have at least 15 voicemails from the time since I've moved. I don't respond because I'm too scared. I realize I should talk to Gerry about it. He's really been helping. Maybe he can help me get over my fears. I'll talk to him about it Friday morning.

Thursday I'm woken up to the call that my insurance is gone as of the first of August. No more psychological medication. No more Gerry. I was getting $10 medicine and free therapy. My new "insurance" has a mental health plan, too. It's a bunch of free videos about mental illness and a sheet about self treatment with herbs. I've been depressed as long as I can recall. I finally had the strength to seek out help when I started losing my vision. Now I get to go it alone again. I'll be dead long before my time.

This weekend needs to be amazing.