I looked over at her happily, beaming from ear to ear. How could I help it? Those eyes, lips, hair, and smile. Damn, she’s beautiful and I love her more than life itself. Sometimes she can’t see what I see, but more times than not I can coerce her, make her see how much I love her and need her. She’s my life, my love, my everything.
She’s a sweet girl, quiet and sincere. She’s shy with most people and contains herself behind some socially acceptable mask she feels she needs. Not with me. With me, she can be as wild and crazy as she wants. I love her for everything, unconditionally, no matter what. I find her quirks and randomness to be irresistibly adorable. She’s cute and I keep her.
It’s what I tell her all the time. I used to tell her how cute she was and she’d disagree. Then I started saying, “You’re cute. I keep you,” like Dad has always said to Mom. Now when I tell her she’s cute, she looks up at me with those beautiful eyes and asks, “You keep me?” How could any man say no to that? Those amazing moon-like eyes, constantly changing as if through lunar phases.
Today she was a bit off, and I couldn't shake a terrible feeling. She wasn't answering her cell and was acting so suspicious. Now she wanted to go talk. She asked me to drive her to the lake where we'd gotten married. This had break up written all over it.
At one point she laid her hands on my thigh, and rested her head gently on her hands. I saw something shimmer and looked down. It was her ring. Her wedding ring. We didn't have any big extravagant wedding, not by any means. We had a very small wedding by the lake. Goddamn, she looked so gorgeous in her white gown. I was so worried I was going to pass out; I remember I started to shake a little. I still laugh when I think about when I could now kiss the bride I accidentally slipped a little tongue. Nobody else seemed to notice except for her as she blushed bright red. Most of all, I remember the next morning when I was finally able to look her in the eyes first thing, and whisper, "Good morning, my darling wife."
We didn't talk much the entire drive. She held me tight the entire time. I couldn't help but smile and run my fingers through her hair. She was so beautiful in the moonlight. She looked so sweet and innocent. She held me as tight as she could and whispered, "I love you."
I looked down at her, and I couldn't stand it anymore. The way she was behaving mixed with my bad feeling gave me the impression she was enjoying me for the last time. "Baby? What’s going on?" She looked at me, like she didn't want to tell me. There was remorse on her face. She was hiding something from me. I held her hand tighter.
The radio played quietly. She suddenly sat up as a song came on. She exclaimed, "I love this song!" And she began to bop around the car, singing along. I couldn't help but smile, and chuckle a little. She is just so damn cute.
I sang along for a while just before I finally broke down and asked her again. I was a bit more frustrated this time. “Baby, what’s going on and why are you acting so crazy?” I could see pain suddenly surface in her face, but she only sang louder. “What the hell is going on?”
“Don’t talk to me like that! Can’t you just wait? It’s a surprise!”
“Then why didn’t you say that?”
“I shouldn’t have had to!” she retorted.
I felt terrible and was at a loss for words. She tried to apologize but I cut her off. “No, it’s my…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Baby, I should’ve told you from the beginning.” She smiled, looked past me, and then looked back into my eyes.
“Darling, what is going on?” I stared at her as she gazed at the stars with those beautiful eyes. “Oh shit!”
* * *
I didn’t want to let him know just yet. I wanted to go to the lake where we'd had our wedding to tell him. Today, I decided to end the suspense of something else that had secretly been on my mind. I needed to know.
I glanced around suspiciously as if the bathroom walls had eyes. Swallowing my fear and even more overwhelming anticipation, I took the pregnancy test out of my pocket and got to work.
It turned so fast it was as if the test was screaming at me. POSITIVE! I immediately went to see my doctor. I had been waiting for quite some time, all the while Aidyn was calling my phone frantically, when the doctor finally returned.
“Are you sure you want the results without Aidyn around?”
“Yes, tell me.”
“You’re pregnant.” The world spun and I thought I was going to faint, almost like on my wedding day.
The whole drive home I was on the phone consoling Aidyn, who had been terribly worried about me. It was so sweet and endearing. “Oh, I was just out shopping and running some errands. I don’t know why but my phone just crapped out on me.” I'm so bad at lying to him.
“Are you almost home, baby?” I paused for a painfully long moment. Baby. Can I still be his baby? Now he is going to be Daddy to a beautiful and actual baby. “Sweetheart?”
“Yeah, I’m almost home.” Like the idiot I am, I came in empty handed. Why didn't I see such a huge plot hole in my story? Maybe it was the amazing news clouding my mind.
“Baby, where’s all the stuff you got? You were out shopping a while. Do you need help unloading the car?”
“Aidyn,” I stared up into his eyes seriously, “let’s go to the lake.”
“Okay, when, Darling?”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Why? Can’t it wait?”
“No. It’s important, “ I grabbed his hand tightly, looked up at him, and gave him the most ensnaring puppy dog eyes possible.
Most of the drive, he gripped my hand tightly in his and would occasionally ask what was going on. I refused to tell him, if not just to see him feign being upset so I could bite his cute little pouty lip.
I love him to death. The years we’ve been married have been some of my happiest ever. He’s downright adorable, and he treats me like a princess.
We get through everything together, and I love him even more for it. He puts up with all of my shit, my screw-ups, my hang-ups, my quirks, my randomness. Everything.
He asked me again, "Baby? What’s going on?" I looked at him and tried to convey that I didn't want to tell him. I felt a pang of remorse, though. I felt as though I was hiding something, but I was just waiting until the perfect moment. Should I have told him the second I found out? He must’ve read me like a book, as usual. I could tell by the way he squeezed my hand tighter.
I was grateful to hear a great song begin to play. It would give me an extra few minutes to use singing along as an avoidance tactic.
“Passing smokes from mouth to mouth. Star struck lovers down and out. Asked the numbers to profess our love…” I bobbed along cutely to the music, taking his mind off the situation. I knew that my countenance illustrated deceitful secrecy over the adorable surprise and big news I was hoping to convey. I couldn’t help but wonder, was I hoping to have a delightful surprise and big news, or was I hiding? Deep down, I was afraid of what this child might do to our relationship. Would it distance us?
Recognizing the song from a CD I once bought and had gotten signed for him at a concert, Aidyn joined in singing. At least he was okay for now. As long as this song played, I was safe and he wouldn’t pressure me to tell him. The doubt of my intentions and motives fled to the back of my mind as we sang together.
“The silver screen surpassed by one. She was the best damn thing I’d ever done. As her heart beats I must confess my love,” he sang loudly to me. I knew he meant every word he sang. What a perfect song for us. What a perfect song to remind me how much he loves me. “She will never be ordinary. She will never feel small. I’ll make sure she never feels nothing like that at all. I will.”
I smiled and it seemed to remind him of the situation. “Baby, what’s going on and why are you acting so crazy?”
Crazy. The word burned. It reminded me of all the hard times when I had questioned my sanity. I sang louder, without him, “Dead lights in the night time sky. You will not have burned in vain. When I’m dead like we will all be. I will see you then that day. Dead lights…”
“What the hell is going on?”
“Don’t talk to me like that! Can’t you just wait? It’s a surprise!”
“Then why didn’t you say that?”
“I shouldn’t have had to!” He fell silent. I felt terrible after the words we’d both said. “Baby, I’m sorry. Please…”
“No, it’s my…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Baby, I should’ve told you from the beginning.” I looked out the window and could see the lake in the distance, glittering against the dark night like a beacon of hope and happiness.
“Darling, what is going on?”
I looked out the car window at the stars as he stared at me. I heard him yell “Oh shit!” a split second before our car met with another.
In the pitch-black night, a song could be faintly heard over the loud din of the crash.
Dead lights in the night time sky
You will not have burned in vain
When I’m dead like we all will be
I will see you then that day
Dead lights
When I’m dead like you
I will shine on too…
* * *
I cradled her. I could feel her cooling blood run along my arms as she gripped my shirt tightly. I don't remember what I had said to her as I ran; I wish I had said more.
I burst into the emergency room, my baby dying in my arms. They put her on a stretcher and rushed her to the back; they let me follow alongside. I couldn't let her go.
I held her hand the entire time I was beside her. She looked up at me. Tears were pouring down my cheeks. She reached up, and very gently placed her hand on my cheek.
She smiled weakly and said, “Please don't cry, baby. I love you.” Oh God, when she said that I couldn't hold anything back. I remember smiling as best I could through all the tears.
She smiled and gazed into my tear-filled eyes repeating over and over again, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love...you...”
Her hand went limp in mine. Her eyes slipped shut. Panic surged through me. I remember asking her not to go. I remember telling her I need her. I remember whispering...
“I love you too...”
Every night since she died has been worse than the last. I have nightmares about the accident. I can see our dead baby, our little Emily. The love of my life was taken away from me. My star that burned out. I place a letter on my desk, in hopes that someone may find it.
"She was taken from me. Both of them were. My wife and my baby are dead. I never even got to know my baby. I am weak. I can no longer live without them. Please God forgive me. Please God allow me to be reunited with my babies. I love them both so much. Please God, I repent my sins. Please let me be with them."
Dead lights in the night time sky
You will not have burned in vain
When I’m dead like we all will be
I will see you then that day
Dead lights
When I’m dead like you
I will shine on too…
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