Day 33

Goodbye barbecue where no one said goodbye. My best friend blew me off for our potential goodbye. No one really seems to care except me. This all just feels so unsure and incomplete. I'm beginning to feel like I have unfinished business. I miss my family. I feel like...now that I'm getting better, the world doesn't seem so crazy. Things don't seem so bad. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't be out on my own struggling. I would have tried harder and been less down. I'd be in film school doing what I love instead of settling for what I'm good at.

I feel like this road I'm walking down will be the end of my young life for good. I'm closing the final door on my childhood and I will never be able to go back. If I go, I'll never be able to have the life I wanted. Leaving means walking out on my only shot with a family. You know that feeling you get when a second aunt you haven't seen in years runs up, expects you to know her, and gets in your face with affection? Family has always felt like that for me. I feel like one of Cinderella's ugly stepsisters trying to squeeze into a glass slipper that clearly doesn't fit. Maybe I don't have to feel that way anymore, but I know distance is just making me feel less connected.

I have Mikey. That's it really. I feel alone. There are some things he just can't know or do. I want my family to help me through my mental health issues. I want them to support me through college. When I move out the right way this time, I want my mom to help me pick out my first set of pots and pans and my dad to help me build a shelf. I want my sisters to visit and come to me like I'm the cool sister they can hang out with. I want to feel close again. I've had glimpses, but I know I am walking away from them. I am walking away from any opportunity to feel like a complete person.

This is my last chance for another shot at a happy youth and a loving family(s), and I'm walking away for the shot at a happy adulthood. I don't want to be an adult yet. I want to go off to college and have graduation parties and birthday parties and someone to take care of me when I'm hurt or sick. I'm not ready. I don't want to go. Everyone said it would be clear to me. I'd have an epiphany and make up my mind. I know I'm making a mistake leaving, but it's the best option I have.

If leaving is such a good idea, why am I so miserable about it now that it's time?