My Name is Courtney Rose

My name is Courtney Rose. I like my job, but I hate work. It inhibits life. I feel old. I feel useless. I feel defeated and like I have given everything up. I hate this 8 to 5 bullshit. I hate the office drama. I hate the desk and the windowless walls that feel like a prison cell closing in on me. I hate the oncoming symptoms of carpal tunnel disorder, the secretary butt, the inactivity. I was born to be out and literally in the field. I was born to wield the tools to capture emotions like weapons in the urban jungle that is my soul mate. I want to work because I like to work, not because I have to support a sick boyfriend and keep up with rent payments. I want to work to improve my portfolio, not to make ends meet. This life I lead will be the death of me.

My name is Courtney Rose. I love learning, but I hate my classes. I feel old. I feel under appreciated and over qualified. I feel stifled and controlled. I feel like this is what I'm comfortable with. This is an interest, not a passion. I'd give anything in my life to go to film school. I'd give up internal organs. I'd give up sight. I'd give up friends and time and space. I want it so bad I can taste the salty blood in my mouth from biting my lip and swallowing tears. I'd live alone, the life of a lonely spinster, for the chance to live my dream. My love is a heavy weight without the dreams to hold it up. My love for everyone is hollow and empty without my hopes. I was not meant to be this old woman. I was meant to be far off on my own in a dorm somewhere. I should see family on weekend visits and be more worried about studying and homework than about paying my bills and finding a way to get to my draining job. I want to be in a cafe with another film student discussing the project that will land us in Cannes. That is what others once saw for me. Now everyone says "can't." I hate that poisonous word. This life I lead will be the death of me.

My name is Courtney Rose. As far back as I can remember, I loved being in cars. When I could finally drive on my own, driving was a part of some of my happiest memories. We all know I have so few of those. With the paranoia instilled in me, I've always been a bit demented. I imagine the worst possible scenarios. After my accident, whenever I am in a car, I envision my own gruesome death. It has spread to my whole life. Daily, I play out entire stories of death and paranoia. It makes me sick. I see my mangled corpse scraped against bloody pavement. I was offered the Camaro, and Mikey could walk, but I just couldn't accept. I haven't recovered from that morning, no matter how much I pretend I have. It seems illogical and like something I should just be able to fix. I can't control it. I've tried to get past it, but I can't. I can't bring myself to accept a gift I know I couldn't utilize. I'm too petrified. I just don't want anyone to know and think me ridiculous. My ML never scared me. The Trailblazer never scared me. They were almost the same car, both tough and protective. Yes, I personify cars, but that's just how I feel. I wish I had a new tough and protective car so I could live again without fear of my car failing me and having to pour money into it. They will handle everything for me. I want to live again without a second though...without fear. This life I lead will be the death of me.

My name is Courtney Rose. I hate my apartment and my roommate. I want a little cottage for me and my puppy. I want a townhouse on a lake. I want to live in my world where everything really will be okay instead of spending a life hearing what will never come true. I want to live in a loving place where my dreams will be nurtured and grow. I don't want to live in this broken home, which was never really a home, with the memories of betrayal and crime. This life I lead will be the death of me.

My name is Courtney Rose. Money, or lack thereof, is ruining my life. I am dead and my dreams are gone. I'm not the person I am nor anything resembling the person I want to be. This is not what I wanted or anothing close. This life I lead will be the death of me, and if not, this life I lead will drive me into an early grave or a long life of misery.